kazaam dave be illin (vanedave) wrote,
kazaam dave be illin

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Wet and Wild

What can I say about last night. Let's just say last night was special. Another great night on the town in beautiful, scenic, Watertown. I wasn't planning on going out, but my boys invited me to a "booty shaking contest" in Watertown. (Thess pictures are of downtown, and it still looks the same)

I had to think for a minute- a) I had such a good impression of Watertown from my first night out here, b) everyone else was going, and finally c) probability of coming out with a stupid townie story for this journal 100%.
So I decided to go to the "booty shaking contest" at this place called Strands. we arrive at Strands a little before 11 and man was it jumpin. By jumpin I mean depressing. It looked like a funeral in there, so a few of my boys and I decided to wait outside for afew to decide if we were going to go in. We were outside for about 20 minutes or so watching for any ladies to go into the club. Instead it was all dudes coming in. Dudes by the cabload. This did not inspire confidence in us at all. We only decided to go in because one of the girls we were with was going to try to win the 100 dollar prize in the wet t contest, and she wanted us to be her cheering section. I protested seeing as how they were'nt paying me to stay. Once we were on the inside we truly appreciated how much of a sausage party it was in there. The dance floor was empty, except for three or four white dudes trying to dance to eminem, and there were hardly any girls there at all. The grand total according to one of my boys was ten girls, and of those ten two were lesbians, four worked with us, three were quite chunky, two were missing teeth, eight were thirty plus, none of them could dance, and one looked like Hulk Hogan with tits (and she wasn't even one of the lesbians. I know that adds up to more thsan ten, but some of them qualify in more than one category (for example there was the chunky, over thirty lesbian).
On to the wet t-shirt contest. This was not the type in your dreams (unless said dreams are set on Elm Street). There were a grand total of three girls competing for the title of Miss I Hope I Don't Remember This Tomorrow USA. The host of this whole ordeal was a man by the name of Dirty Dave (no it wasn't me, although he made me proud to share the name with him). Dirty Dave was a charming lad, who made repeated reference to "the dikes" as he affectionately called them, the T-Shirt girls having to poop, and some fat girl's camel toe. He was quite the poet. The contest kicked off with one of the two girls we work with and will never be able to look in the face again. She was kinda cute, but she might have been the worst dancer ever. I mean she was Elaine from Seinfeld bad. Thankfully the blinding strobe lights flashing into the crowd's eyes prevented me from seeing most of her routine. However, the lights did let up long enough for everyone to see her flash her boobs. Contestant 2 was the second girl we knew and wished we didn't. She went topless in 3 seconds flat, although the strobe lights once again made this barely visible. Between her and fat townie contestant number three, this quickly turned from R rating to NC-17. It was like Showgirls meets Jerry Springer.


In no time flat there were thee topless wet townies up there on stage, trying to dance sexy and being fondled by a bunch of townie guys. In the words of Dave Chapelle, "I was disgusted... but I couldn't look away." The crowd was supposed to decide the winner of the contest by applause, but they all let out the same drunken hollering for all three contestants so my man Dirty Dave pretty much just picked his winner. He picked contestant number 3, the fat townie we didn't know. She was actually the homeliest of the three, but I think I figured out his judging criteria. Let's compare the contestants and see how number three won.

Contestant #      Beer Gut Size        Boobie Size       Number of Teeth        

One                   plump                   B                       20 or so

Two                  chunky                  C                      10-15 range

Three                extra chunky          D                      at least 3

There You have it three is the winner. Bigger gut, bigger boobs, and more mouth space. I guess size matters for girls too. 

Okay. I think everyone is nauseated enough for one entry. I am off to take a shower. Feel free to do the same.

Sidenote-I saw I Robot yesterday. Seeing as how I went into the theater expecting a steaming pile of monkey crap, I liked what I saw. Pretty good, entertaining movie. 

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