kazaam dave be illin (vanedave) wrote,
kazaam dave be illin

Jesus: The Sequel

Hello again friends. I have been kind of negligent towards this page lately. I feel a little bad. I came back to the page today and it looked like it hadn't eaten or taken a shower in weeks. I am so ashamed. Anyway, I am back now, and everything is going to be okay. I go to the doctor tomorrow to check on the progress of my blood pressure, and if I don't get a normal reading I can officially say goodbye to going overseas. The only question that will remain  after that is how long before I will be home again. In other news I got to go home for a little while last week. It was fun but after being home for a while Fort Drum just seems all the more crappy (I didn't think that was possible).

It's been interesting since I've been back. People have been working 13 hour shifts everyday,with only a little time for sleeping in between (after you subtract another six hours of the day for consumption of alcohol). As we get closer and closer to the unit's departure date, people are just getting looser and wilder by the day. My roommate has been asking to has been locking me out on a daily basis, a few girls have gotten pregnant, and church on Sunday is getting emptier every week. These people need help. Help that no mere mortal can provide. They need...

Jesus Walks Again

When we last left our hero (Jesus) he was battling evil and saving souls in the oddest forms imaginable. That was only the tip of the iceberg. Let’s see what those good old christians have been up to lately… 

  Alright, this one confused me a little. I mean I know that’s Jesus standing in space over a burning earth, but what I am confused by is what he is doing. Is he trying to save the earth, or is he smiting the earth for it’s sinful ways. I guess he is trying to save us, because God usually does the smiting himself. If  Jesus was smiting the earth though, he was probably aiming at my house and used too much power.


Jesus- “Hello. Anybody home? It’s me,   Jesus."


Husband-“Awww man. Is Jesus trying to sell us Ginsu knives again?


Wife- Quick, let’s sneak out the back door before he sees us.


Husband- Wait that’ll never work. He’s the messiah, he sees all. Damnit, let him in.”


This here is a familiar scene to all Christians. There is Jesus on the cross in between two common criminals, Mary, some ancient Romans and Jews, and some guy in a blue sport coat. Wait a minute, something seems funny here.



Satan is the undisputed     

trickster king, but Jesus

has been known to pull fast

one or two in his day too.

Check out this prank

he played on these     

British tourists. Ha ha!                                        


I am sorry if no one 

agrees, but I think this

picture is hilarious.   




I got nothing on these two on the right. The

stupidity speaks for itself.

Yes that is Jesus in a fish tank and yes that stick figure is Jesus running to his mother, stick figure Virgin Mary.

Man these two are dumb. Even fish tank Jesus is like, " I have no clue what's going on here!"




Check out the marquee outside these churches. The top one is kind of funny, but the bottom one is freakin hilarious. I bet guys at Noland Road Baptist Church are never late for service.





Previously, I explored the exciting worlds of Jesus bobbleheads amd sports statues. As cool as that was, check out this Jesus action figue. It says "Jesus, Lord of All."

                                     [Image: Discovery Bible Action Figures: Jesus]

Jesus might not be the coolest action figure on the block though. He's got some heavy competition. There's the Dalai Lama "God of Many Arms," Buddha "One Who Has Achieved Perfection," and of course God Almighty "His is The Kingdom, the Power, and the Glory." Two things here caught my eye. First, when did Buddha lose all of this weight? Secondly, Buddha definitely has the coolest slogan. I am taking that slogan. How cool would that be at a party. "Hi, I'm Dave. The One Who Has Achieved Perfection." That would be awesome.



Speaking of children's things. Take a look at this joyous moment with Jesus and these children. I'll say just this. Only Jesus could get away with something like this. If this were Micheal Jackson, or R. Kelly, or some catholic priest in Boston, this would not be cool at all.



Continued in next entry...

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