kazaam dave be illin (vanedave) wrote,
kazaam dave be illin

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There are some people in this world who could give two craps about religion, and then some who devote their entire lives to it. I find that aethiests are boring. The super religious types are far more hilarious, and no religion is better at being over the top with religion than catholics. For example, I was waiting on line at Burger King the other day, and the lady behind me in line asked me what time it was. I said 5:20, to which she replied "oh thank you Jesus." She then asked me if the shuttle still ran at 5:30, to which I replied yes. She replied "thank you Jesus." Then her cell phone rang and she had a brief 2 minute conversation in which she used a certain phrase at least six times. What was the phrase? You guessed it, "thank you Jesus." The best part came when she got to the register. She asked the cashier whether or not they still had the Ceasar Salad or something on the menu, which they did. Her reply? "Oh thank you Jesus." Alright, I believe in thanking the lord for blessings and stuff too, but shouldn't thank you Jesus be saved for stuff like; "Oh thank you Jesus for keeping me alive in that POW camp," or "Oh thank Jesus I survived that car crash." I mean it's cool to be thankful for each day, or to say grace before each meal, but I don't think Jesus is responsible for keeping the Ceasar Salad on Burger King's menu. 

And so with that lady from Burger King as my inspiration, this post is dedicated to JC (that's what I call him) and some of the funnier over the top signs of catholicism in worship of him.

Jesus Walks With Me

Man, that is one cool comic. UltraChrist is my hero. Look out X-Men there's a new superhero in town, and he means business!

What can I say about these two to the right. Let's begin with the top one. It's wrong for so many reasons, but I'll choose to bitch about the cigarettes. Jesus does not need lung cancer. As for "Dude Where's My Cross?" I am speechless on this one. It takes a really special brand of catholic to make this one and actually be serious.

Ya gotta love the Jesus bobblehead doll. I'd rate this as the best bobblehead doll since the Virgin Mary bobblehead doll.

Catholic bobbleheads are great, but check out Martin Luther    

Lutherans are cool too!!!

Speaking of sports, check out these Jesus inspirational sports statues. You may have seen these on Conan O' Brien before.

 Little, close there Jesus. I can do this on my own ya know.   





Little bit of an unfair height advantage there for basketball Jesus. Who would have thought Jesus would be a bully on the hardwood! 

 Check out that kid trying to tackle Jesus.He is definitely going to hell! Besides you gotta attack Jesus' legs. He's too strong in the upper body to tackle that way, what with all the cross lifting and carrying.


Jesus plays girl sports too. He is just so versatile. He can do it all!DE_3988.jpg 

 DE_3983.jpgLook at him go girls.






Once again Jesus, a little close there. I can handle this on my own. I watched Happy Gilmore three times, thank you!



Alright, that's enough sports from you Jesus. You might be able to kick kids asses in sports but can you kick it old school. Holy crap, he can. Watch yo back 50 cent, take cover eminem, hide your ice Ja Rule, "G"sus is about to change the game. Best thing about this pic. The little motto on that scroll below Jesus. It says "Hate not the playa, hate the game." You tell em' Jesus. I was greatly disturbed however by the nun showing her ass in the background. That is pretty bad. Even still, look for Jesus' first LP to go triple platinum in it's first week.

And finally, I end off my tribute to Jesus with my favorite Jesus of all, the Buddy Christ. This was made famous in the movie Dogma and I have always found it to be hilarious. This is a great parody of what so many Christians do these days. They try to make Jesus out to be cool, and hip, and trendy, and it all just ends up looking real weird sometimes. He is the freaking messiah for Christ's sake (that was redundant). If conquering death and being the son of God os not cool enough for you, than feel free to be Jewish. There is nothing wrong with that. That way you get to worship cool people like Moses(president of the NRA) and Abraham (not really too familiar with his work, but I am sure he was a cool guy), and you don't have to miss football on Sunday. That's all for me. I'm all Jesused out for now.

Sidenote- This was a fun entry to put together. this might not be my last religious satire entry. I hope there are no lightning storms in the forecast.


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